:joselle:

{ January 24, 2010 @ 4:33 am } · { Uncategorized }
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things fell into place…

wailit presented me a solution – to continue working as a fulltimer until 14 feb, take a 10 days break, then start officially as a parttimer on the 24th. at least now i’m not worried about taking too long a break and don’t have money to survive.

kak and i were looking at the classifieds, and we came across the lobang i had. i asked her opinions and she totally supported me. at least even if i really start on that, i know somebody DID recognise that i have some strengths for doing it. (:

ivan from crusade smsed me today regarding joining the airforce. he said they actually tried contacting me once but i didn’t answer the phone. and he will try to arrange for them to call me again this coming monday. i’m very blessed to have this bro who is willing to help. plus meeting up with ahmed today and his support for me to join the military as well. telling me how and where to go about if i really am keen in joining it.

and it all came together TODAY.

how can it be coincidence?

{ January 24, 2010 @ 4:22 am } · { Uncategorized }
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God never lose sight of His children.
He is not absent, i guess tonight once again i experienced that.

just when i thought i’d be lost in all my nonsensical acts,
be swept by the waves of sinful pleasures…
and be thrown off tangent by the patterns of this world…
and my mind clouded with a whole lot of mess…
He spoke sense, so clearly, to me.
the whole lot of perspectives straightened out,
and realigned in the right places.

my mind a sudden clear.

He placed kakak as a protector amidst all these mess.
she was the only one firm in disallowing me to pick up the bad habits.
the one whom i confided and talk things out with all the time.

tonight we chilled, and talked about everything.

“you need to stand firm in who you are, and not change to fit in.”

“take a break after you quit, go out with your best friend..you haven’t hung out with her for very long right? take your time and go back to church…”

that hit me real hard.
kak, how did you know?
and once again, a non-christian telling me to go back to church.

not the first time in my life God used a non-christian to tell me that.

i told her i decided not to be close to my best friend…
and after identifying that i’ve changed and became almost incorrigible,

“see. maybe that’s why your friend doesn’t want to care anymore. that’s best friends for you. they can nag and nag but if you don’t want to listen, they’ll just leave you alone.”

this caused me to have so much to talk to ling about.

in fact, kakak was the one who brought ling into the picture tonight, and got me reminded that it was her birthday. and i’m glad i chose to text her.

i’m astounded too, by the fact God has graciously granted me wisdom and discernment as well. that i’m not blind to the people and things that are revolving around me. this, serves as a protection.

josel needs to wisen up. at least i now know what the world really is like.

in fact, about two days ago i knew God was drawing me back to Himself when i felt like i really needed to intercede for a brother.

somehow the way kakak spoke to me was exactly the way cousin lilian did – care with sacarsm. haha.

{ January 22, 2010 @ 7:09 am } · { Uncategorized }
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sometimes self-discovery is the scariest thing to do.
to realise how weak you are, how in need you are,
how not sufficient you are…

it can cause you to begin hating yourself,
even to run away from self.

2009 ended badly for me.
2010 started equally badly.
i lost many things, i gave up many things.

just a side note:
i realised nowadays the sun rises later than usual.
it remains dark at 7am.
what’s wrong?

one can never be too dependent on peers.
i know that full well,
but i always choose to give in.
sometimes i know i should learn to take charge,
but i always choose to give in.

blame it on my loyalty, or stupidity.
take your pick.

i am looking forward to the 31st – my last day.
and then it’ll probably be a start of life again.
yet i’m also feeling very afraid as the day draws nearer…
i’m really at a lost.

maybe this is because i’ve lost too many things.

i have lost myself.

{ January 16, 2010 @ 12:12 am } · { Uncategorized }
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different expectations tore us apart.
it’s hard to coax me back, i guess i needed to know i am important when you were still important to me.
now i no longer show any concern for you or your life..
yet i think i still care.

it’s difficult to stay aloof.

bad company corrupts good character.

{ December 23, 2009 @ 6:39 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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dear _________,

i think i inherited ur hurtful character.
so hurt by you that my heart has now hardened towards others,
and have started a whole series of hurting them.
i no longer care about their welfare,
whether i should extend more patience and understanding or not,
whether i should be humble to swallow or not…
i’m beginning to be selfish.
so selfish it astounds me.
yes it makes me feel cool and good for a short while,
but this immaturity will cause big damages in my life ahead.
i’d end up not having friends,
like what i predicted about you.
i hate myself for being like you, seriously.
but you made me hate my caring self.

damn it.

maybe i shouldn’t blame you at all.

sorry seems to be the hardest word…

{ December 23, 2009 @ 2:17 am } · { Uncategorized }
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be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble be humble

becoming confidently beautiful.

{ December 21, 2009 @ 3:11 am } · { Uncategorized }
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2009′s coming to an end.
marks a new beginning, but before all that, introspection needs to take place.
i have got tonnes to clean up and thrash out before they eat into my new beginning.
i have no want to give my 2010 a bad start.

take time out josel, take time out.

i guess the “slap” came just at the right time.
josel soh needs to wake up from thinking “nobody’s watching how she lives her life”.
pre-believers do. and they know the difference when a christian gives out the fragrance of Christ,
or the stench of death.
no excuses, they can differentiate a good fruit from a bad fruit
just as well as they can tell a good apple from a rotten one.

good. josel soh is so stupid she always learn things the hardest and harshest way.

i am hungry again…(sidetracked)

by the way i seem to be in love with that guy since eternity.
no other men actually make my heart skipped so many beats and make it pound so fast.
i cannot describe how his tender strength is so appealing and alluring.
something that i found in the Jesus i knew.
the very thing in Jesus that attracted me too.
the strangest thing is that i don’t have anything to rationalise,
nothing to justify why i should like him…
it’s just…there.
i think maybe this is what people always say…the FEELING.
haha.
i really hope this is a good sign, somehow.

oh no….even the thought of him is enough to melt my heart~..
i think i’m in deep trouble. :S

in the words of isaiah..

{ December 12, 2009 @ 3:03 am } · { Uncategorized }
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a couple of minutes ago, i suddenly came to understand what isaiah felt when he said,
“Woe is me, for I am ruined! Because I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips…”

my heart raced. my lips felt like they were totally stained with filth as i carefully uttered my prayers.
the mouth that curse and swear everyday, is the same one that attempted to speak to the Holy One just a few minutes ago.

very inappropriate. undeserving.

“Then one of the seraphim flew to me with a burning coal in his hand, which he had taken from the altar with tongs.
He touched my mouth with it and said, ‘Behold, this has touched your lips; and your iniquity is taken away and your sin is forgiven.’” – Is 6:6-7 -

this is the grace of God. the God who never harps on how unclean our lips are, but quick to give us a solution and forgiveness to our sins.

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?’ Then I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!’” – Is 6:8 -

Yes, God sent him. God did. no questions asked. God sent the man with unclean lips to speak His words to the people. how important and affirming was that to isaiah. to know God had given him the opportunity to be tasked on that. God thought isaiah was reliable enough to do such a thing.

good lesson.

{ November 8, 2009 @ 3:27 am } · { Uncategorized }
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zilah’s last day at IB. “attached” to AP until end of this month.
at least that’s what they said. hopefully she’ll return by december.
it didn’t feel very much initially except that it all came rather suddenly.
and to be thinking that she’d probably never return by december,
and we’ll go through december without her,
plus probably today’s really the last time i’m gonna work with her,
play with her,
before i tender my resignation next year…
it does really sadden me a little.
like…”that’s it”?
that thought made me feel a little bit more. even feel like tearing.
cos she was the one who taught me a lot since day 1.
the manager who made me feel at ease, and called me a friend.
now she’s more than a friend, a colleague, even a big sister.
i saw her heart for other colleagues, treating them like her own younger siblings,
and i liked that.
perhaps thankfully i’m not too attached to feel a lot yet.
or maybe i’m just too numb about so many things to feel something.

–

i’ve been feeling very edgy nowadays.
guess too many things are enmeshed in my mind at this moment of life.
sometimes i hope i die soon, so i can stop wondering and thinking.

and for my dear buddy…
i don’t think i wanna carry on like this anymore.
guess I AM THE PROBLEM.
i seriously think so. and i want out.

life won’t be any better or worse (i guess) with or without
close people around me.
afterall, we do go through life alone most times.
isn’t it?

{ October 27, 2009 @ 11:15 am } · { Uncategorized }
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i like working with zilah, mark and karthik.
mark is a cool chap, with all the nice songs in his psp.
zilah is a crazy girl, together with josel, the night will never grow too old.
she’s my new-found best friend in IB. hah, the past few days had been SIAO to the max.
karthik..the hardworking, “homeless” guy who makes IB his home.
bickers with me almost everyday, about every other thing.
the only time we stop bickering is when it gets really busy and tiring…
then we will start helping each other genuinely. hah.
he is my best midnight buddy. and hussaini too. (:

zamzi, the “egoistic” fellow who walked over last night just to step on my feet.
haha. that was quite hilarious. so random.
and he looks like a small boy when he walks,
cos he is short and very properly attired, like a schoolboy. hehe.
fred is the handsome dancer, who can imitate people very well,
a joker who makes the whole working environment less tense everytime.
a father of 3 kids, but doesn’t dress like one.
wailit teases me all the time, like whatever.
but he’s sometimes like a big bro bringing me to 7-11 to buy drinks. haha.
kian onn loves to say, “hello. what is your name~? (: my name is kian onnnnn..(:”
with a little boy’s smile. he’s the only guy who acts cute and i really found it cute.
kadir used to sing songs with me when we used to work on the same shifts all the time.
especially “she wears short skirts, i wear tee shirts. she’s cheer captain and i’m on the bleachers….”
ash has a cool scrambler.
samantha is my idol in bar, and apparently she claims that she wasn’t the one who trained me in bar.
so who trained me? i seriously have no idea.
but it’s funny how everytime she comes near to my bar, i’d gah-brah and do wrongly…
i prefer her company out of bar. heh. she’s too good so i feel the pressure.
but otherwise, i like to disturb her.
i miss rum’s presence. she’d always go, “eh josel, let’s go smoke leh.”
okays, disclaimer here, i don’t smoke. i just accompany her.
then we’ll talk about anything.
it was good to see mavis this morning again. (:
still remember when she was around i was still a blur-queen in everything.
not anymore, i hope. haha.
fendi is another cool chap. good in bar. few words but not exactly introvert,
can hee-ha and talk. i like working with him.
tiansiang is the naggy uncle, who bought nice and cheap bee hoon for fred and i. haha.
jialing is the small chatty girl who hit it off so well with me on the first day we met.
with her, (same as with zilah), we can never stop laughing. but it’s tiring cos we’ll talk non-stop and laugh non-stop.
yee kee disturbs samantha more than i do. together, we drive her a little crazy.
and i also become more chatty with yee kee around (seconded by samantha).
ah keong always speaks hokkien with me.
der der bullies me. messes up my hair.
jo is darn helpful. she’s humble even as an MT.
i miss working with geovanni. “josel, until what time?” he will always ask me what time i’d work until,
that’s the first thing he’ll say to me when he sees me.
dandin’s favourite song was “hush hush”, same as me. and he’ll have a sexy dance for it. haha.
but he’s now in wisma.

i laugh more at IB than i do at any other places.

–

laugh things off buddy. we can be happier if we choose to be. i don’t know, maybe.

guys who use their hearts to feel are more attractive than guys who try to use their brains to think,
not knowing that their asses are actually doing the thinking instead. unimpressive.

i’m beginning to believe most, if not all, chinese guys are not interesting.

–

end.

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:joselle:

bad company corrupts good character.

sorry seems to be the hardest word…

becoming confidently beautiful.

in the words of isaiah..

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